20111004

Feel Free To Judge Me, Just Don't Leave Nasty Comments

Now that I'm deep into this pregnancy, I like to do several things -- read pregnancy blogs and read of horrific late pregnancy miscarriages. Both of these things bring me extreme misery but I simply cannot stop doing them. See, first of all, after my mom's history of miscarriages, I pretty much believe I'm going to miscarry every single day of my life. Right now? I haven't felt the baby move in about a few hours so I'm worrying like you don't believe, even though it is only week twenty. And then, when I do feel the baby kick, I'm all annoyed with it because it makes me feel weird. I'm the worst.

As for the baby/pregnancy blogs, even if the people who write them are open minded, the commenters are the worst. I have a friend who once told me that he refuses to read comments on the internet. Why I don't follow his good and true advice, I have no idea. People judge so harshly over everything when it comes to babies. So, here I am with a list of things you might think make me a crappy mom/pregnant woman. Feel free to judge me.
  • I still let my three year old use a pacifier when he goes to sleep. It comforts me.
  • I didn't breastfeed him beyond two or three weeks because I had nearly no milk, he couldn't latch, I couldn't afford a breastfeeding consultant, and I was spending more time crying over it than bonding with him. I will try with the new baby, but if I can't, I can't. (According to 55% of internet moms, this puts me into the same league as mass murderers and kitten kidnappers.)
  • I drink caffeinated coffee on days it still tastes good to me.
  • I ate sushi. A few times. During both pregnancies.
  • Even though I don't want a blood clot and the pain and danger associated with it, the idea of laying in a hospital for a week with a ton of painkillers being injected into me while I simply sleep, knit, and eat hospital ice kind of sounds like a vacation rather than a punishment.
  • Sometimes, instead of playing with my son, I sit on the couch and read books or I just check out the internet on my iPad. If it makes you feel better about this one, if I do this, I feel guilt for the rest of the day.
  • Sometimes I yell at my son when I get angry and I feel justified about it rather than upset.
  • I told my son that Santa Claus exists.
  • My son believes that the Great Pumpkin exists because I let him watch television. Sometimes I even let him watch more than two hours a day when I feel especially crappy.
  • I give my son sugar. And white bread.
  • I let my son listen to music with curse words in the songs. I don't care because I like those songs.
  • If N asks to sleep in my bed at night, I just let him, especially when it is just us.
  • I might CHOOSE to have a c-section.

Do you hate me now? I still like you. I promise. Also, I want to talk more about pregnancy in general nowadays, but I'm afraid all my posts would read, "I'm miserable and angry and waiting for February." This probably isn't a positive attitude to post about since I don't want my future child reading my blog one day and asking, "Did you like me at all?" So, when I get more positive stuff to share with you, I'll be back. That'll probably be soon. As N gets more vocal, his comments about this new baby have been damned hilarious.

7 comments:

marlie said...

I have a friend who is the mother of 18 month old twins, and she spent the first 6 months (at least) of her kids' lives worrying about breastfeeding and sleeping and all sorts of other things. Like, moms who don't breastfeed ONLY for whatever length of time are ruining their kids' lives forever. That's BS.

I ended up begging her to stop reading the blogs out there because no one else can tell her how to be the best parent that she can be to her kids.

It's not for anyone - save perhaps your OB/GYN and/or N's pediatrician - to throw in their 2 cents. I think it sucks because a handful of nasty, judgmental people ruin what could be a useful forum, otherwise.

And, your friends & family know that you're an awesome mom, and that's really all that should matter. l

rjbs said...

You shouldn't be reading this.

angie said...

Marlie is right. Reading that made me feel better. God did I waste time on all that "mommy should ..." BS. Now, instead of reading those blogs I instead give the girls forks! Yes, the real ones! (guess what? one of them actually fed herself spaghetti two days ago using the fork!) and I am teaching them to jump. Yes, they've fallen, but so did I.

I also give them home-made chocolate chip cookies; they love them...and so do I, specially when I see them smile as they say the words "cookie peez!".

Thanks for putting into words what I haven't yet on my own blog (stopped blogging around the time they arrived...now that I think about it, i should re-start...)

Kitten said...

@marlie and @angie, thanks for the words of confidence. It's easy to fall into the trap of "I didn't boost my child's immune system enough and they watched so much television that now they're doomed to a life of Walmart cashier" after reading a few blogs.

Also, am I not supposed to give my son a fork? I mean, I sometimes don't because it means I'll have to clean up a large mess, but I thought by NOT giving him one I was holding him back from being independent and encouraging him to be too clingy. I get confused based on which blogs I DO read.

Helen said...

@rjbs's "no comments" advice is good and sound. Always follow it for great justice.

During your first pregnancy, Bryan offered to hijack your internet connection at the office, and redirect you to cuteoverload.com any time you stumbled on a pregnancy or baby-related link. (This pre-planning came in handy for him when I was pregnant; any time I sent him a death and danger baby link, he would send back a cute kitten video.) Perhaps I will suggest alternate weekly themes to distract you from pregnancy blogs. This week: Steve Jobs tribute pages and ... birds' nests.
Or consider checking Bossypants out of the library.

For myself, I vowed to (try to) not take things too seriously, after I got a "oh, you're still breastfeeding?" comment the day after I had been giving myself a guilt trip over formula. No one else scrutinizes you as much as you scrutinize yourself. I agree with @marlie; I assume our pediatrician will alert us if we're doing something super terrible. Other than that, as long as Bryan and I agree.... parenting is not something done by committee.

I also swore off mom blogs of all types (ok, except dinneralovestory.com).... whether they're peddling the all-natural mom, the effortlessly glamorous mom, the arts-and-crafts mom, or whatever, they all are all things I don't even have the energy to consider aspiring to. And even my regular blogs are dangerous. Dear Penelope, thanks for starting to homeschool your child; those posts don't make me feel guilty AT ALL.

P.S. I was inspired by your "hospital vacation" fantasy. I told Bryan I was tired from him traveling so much, and I needed sleep in today. Thanks.

mermaids said...

I am glad blogs were not around when I was a new mommy. I went to *one* La Leche League meeting when I was pregnant. During the introductions, I said I "hoped" to breastfeed for 6 months. They nearly attacked me. "With that attitude, you will fail. you HAVE to say I WILL breastfeed!!!! and 6 months isn't long enough!!!" They terrified me. (I know not all LLL people are like that, but this was a scary group of women.)

Why are so mean to new mommies?!?!? We set such high standards and expectations. My boys are finishing high school. I can tell you that so much of what we obsess over with babies is really so unimportant.

I did many of things on your list with my two. They are happy, smart, wonderful young men. Apparently, I didn't do too much harm. :)

No one can do it perfectly. Relax. It will all be fine. When I was frantic because my oldest could latch on and I was a breastfeeding failure, the pediatrician and lactation consultant said, "Sweetie, give him a bottle. Having a mom who is well rested and happy is more important than breast milk. You tried. No guilt. Move on." Over the years, the pediatrician has given that same advice on many other things. He is so chill... I adore him. It will all be fine. Relax and enjoy your children.

Kitten said...

How funny, Mermaid, my mother-in-law was a leader of one of those groups and right after I had my son and told her I couldn't breastfeed, she said to me, "You're doing the best you can, and that's great. You're a good mom." Then she told me she thought people who were in LLL with her were crazy.