turtleneck, i gave you one more chance.

So, as those of you who know me in real life and who read this blog are aware, I'm pregnant. I'm close to five months pregnant, actually, which doesn't sound that pregnant but which feels really pregnant.

Recently, I decided to go buy some new clothes for this pregnancy, and out of nowhere, one of the pieces I picked up was a turtleneck. I've always been enamored of the way they cover long necks and make women look so mod, but I've also always felt I was slowly being strangled to death while wearing one. In fact, it's fair to say that in the past I've hated them, but I was now convinced I had grown up and would no longer hate them.

Damn, was I wrong. It really is like being slowly strangled. I kept on pulling my turtleneck away from my neck all day long. Tug, tug, tug, tug. I can still feel the neck of that shirt around me, trying to kill me. I'll probably have nightmares about it tonight (in addition to my pregnancy normal nightmares of Paul leaving me and being fired). As soon as I got home from work, I changed into a low necked shirt which barely touched my neck in any manner and the depression which had been building all day mysteriously disappeared.

Paul just shook his head at me and told me he was surprised I had gotten the turtleneck in the first place. I asked him, "You stopped wearing turtlenecks because of me, right?" He nodded while making dinner. This is totally true. When Paul used to wear turtlenecks, I'd slip my fingers into the necks and stretch them, asking him if he felt he was being strangled. After about five times wearing turtlenecks around me, I noticed his all disappeared into thin air. Paul hates having his clothes stretched.

So, now, I own one turtleneck which I don't know if I'll ever wear again. I might wear it for some occasion where I only need to leave the house for one hour or two and I can rush home and change into a normal shirt when I get home. Anyone have any non-turtleneck maternity sweaters they can sell me? It's all spring all the time in stores now, sadly.


baby kim, seen and nearly named

It is not every day that you are asked to give your opinion about a baby's name when the baby didn't actually physically come from you in any manner. Today, when Helen and I visited the newly born baby Kim, we were asked our opinion on the spelling of the first name, which thrilled me.

I like to pretend I'm not opinionated, and I can be very indecisive, but when I have an opinion, it's normally very strong. It's a curious mixture of my mom's "got to be right at all times" attitude and the beaten down nature of a child who's had to live with that mother for years.

I'm not proud to say that I was very opinionated about the spelling choices for the name.

The baby Kim is adorable, and tiny. I was too afraid to hold him, and I was terrified watching Paul hold him. All I could think was that Paul would drop him and our friendship with the Kims would be done forever. (How can you forgive even the spouse of the person who has dropped your baby?) I fussed and fussed over the way Paul was holding the baby, silently admonishing him whenever I felt he wasn't standing in a manner which was steady enough. Paul, being less of a nervous Nellie, and more of a person who has held multiple children, simply ignored me and continued to hold the baby without dropping him.

After a few minutes, Paula started to tell us about the birthing, and it assured me that I would not be able to deliver without some drugs of some sort. My mother-in-law's ability to shove six babies out of her body without drugs now strikes me as some kind of super human power. Clearly, her superpower is birthing. My own is paranoia, which does not make birthing easier.

While at the hospital, Tom tried to sway us (Helen, Paul, and I) into believing that his first choice for the baby's name was better than the name agreed upon. However, as Paula didn't like the name, Helen and I fully supported the agreed upon name. As Paul later put it, both parents get veto powers over names. (In my heart of hearts, I think females should get the first choice. I can tell you from experience that pregnancy isn't easy for me, and I think the naming would be a nice reward.)

I'm now in week 21 of my own pregnancy. I envied Paula the fact that her baby was no longer in her. Kittle is draining me of energy, and making me sick most of the time, once again. Further, I no longer fit comfortably into normal jeans, and my skin feels oddly stretched now. I am finally showing if I wear my normal non-loose t-shirts. My recommended amount of food for a person at this time at one sitting is a half of a handful or less. I frankly don't even know how I could gain more than thirty pounds during the whole pregnancy at this point. Eating the amount of food that I used to eat normally is making me sick even when I space it out. Perhaps in months 7-9, I shall feel normally hungry or even hungrier once again. Nowadays, I simply want to throw up after every meal.

As I told Paul when I burped after I woke up today, "Pregnancy. It makes me glamerous."


a new low

First -- new highs -- Tom and Paula had a baby boy! YAY! So cute. So awesome. So Pom-pom.

Now, to the other matter, my new low. Let's face it, I'm a technology addict. For God's sake, I work at a dot com. I actually do my best to stay away from new technology, games, and internet sites because I know myself. I become addicted quickly. In fact, I'll often jokingly refer to myself as an odd combination Luddite/Tech Geek due to this habit of trying to avoid something until others around me push me into buying/using a new thing, at which point I'll become obsessed.

When Dieter said, "Want to play City of Heroes?" I said no and then later bought it and lost a month. Puzzle Pirates? World of Warcraft? Thanks, Dieter! I didn't need that half a year of social time. I held out against the DS until most of my office had one.

I lived without TIVO, and Netflix most of my life. Now, if you were to take any of those away from me, I might collapse into a sobbing mess in my bedroom. I wouldn't even know how to watch television anymore without my TIVO and Netflix, yet when Paul first bought me the TIVO, I felt a slight sense of dread. My iPod? I went years without one and resisted the purchase. Paul bought one for me, and now I beg Helen for playlists like a junkie. I didn't have a cell phone until Paul panicked one night when I got stuck on the turnpike without one. He bought one for me on the night we purchased our house. I try to stay independent from it because I've seen the texting habits of my friends. Have you noticed how Paul is a big enabler of my technology? He'll probably buy me a laptop or iPhone next, and then I'll be doomed.

Anyway, I'm particularly crazy about social internet sites like Flickr, but I try to not get involved with them. I know how it goes. First, I'm completely normal, but then I become obsessed with who has viewed my photos, commented on them, and who is posting photos. This was partially why I avoided Facebook like the plague. Today, Helen asks me if I want to see a picture of her sister's new dog, and I, assuming it is on something like Flickr, ask her for a URL. Turns out, the dog pictures are on Facebook.

So, I signed up with Facebook. DAMN YOU, INTERNET! Of course, I started looking for friends right away and feeling pathetic about my lack of friends and comments and cool features. Ugh, why did I do this?

The worst part is that I came home, and told Paul, and he just laughed at me. Sigh.


baby name

Diane, thank you for the congrats! I sometimes forget I used to blog about knitting even though I still knit things. I want to knit my future baby one of the rabbit hats from Stitch'N'Bitch so badly. If you read this again, have you made many things or are you still in a mostly recovering state?

Okay, another thing to discuss about this upcoming baby (and I hope this doesn't become a baby blog), names. Wow, I thought naming my kittens was a lot of pressure. In fact, Jade, my sweetest kitten, went through about five name changes in the first month of her stay at our house. This is nothing to the pressure of naming a child. Here are the horrors of naming children:

1. It has to be a name you like.
2. It can't sound bad with the child's last name.
3. It can't be easily turned into an insult by other children.
4. All nickname variations should be liked as well.
5. You and your spouse have to agree on it.
6. You have to hear everyone else's suggestions even if you don't ask for them.
7. You have to hear everyone else's opinions on your choices even if you don't for them.
8. You have to try not to insult any family members who expect their name to be the one used.
9. It probably shouldn't be the same name as any other children your friends have.
10. It is distracting if you pick a name your friends have.

Frankly, it's all horrible. Paul and I found several girls' names we like, but we can't agree on which we like best. My favorite is not his favorite, though we've come up with a name now that we both like. The only problem? My mom's Korean tongue would kill that girl's name every which way from here until eternity.

On the subject of boys' names, we're even worse off. Generally, if I like a boy's name, it's already taken by people I know (Joshua, Andrew), it's taken by a friend (Stephen), or it has a nickname that I hate with all my being (Gabriel, shortened to Gabe). The names that I like that don't have problems, Paul hates (Tristan) or are so popular as to be in the top ten for names for the year (Logan). This child is going to end up being Paul Junior when I become desperate for a name, any name, at the last moment.


baby stuff

As Kittle starts to become more a reality and less a drain on my energy levels, Paul and I have started considering what needs to be done to make life with Kittle happen. Things that need to be done include eight million things around the house include:

* Fixing our fireplace.
* Painting around both of our air conditioners.
* Moving my bedroom furniture over from my mom's and moving our furniture into the baby room.
* Getting our laundry area fixed up and then buying a washer/dryer.
* Decorating a child's room and getting a crib.

I admit to feeling mostly overwhelmed just looking at the list and sometimes crying when I think about it, but pregnancy has led me to many unwanted tears.

Sometimes, I cry imagining Paul has left me because I don't want a lot of children. Sometimes I cry because I'm imagining that I died during childbirth. Sometimes I cry because I imagine people are calling me a horrible person for not wanting to give up work. Sometimes I cry because I imagine I'll be laid up for a long time before/after birth and Helen will have to find someone to replace me. Sometimes I cry just because I'm getting 'fat'.

I admit to being a paranoid person in the first place. (I'll often have nightmare after nightmare of Paul leaving me while non-pregnant, or of being fired while on vacation.) Pregnancy has just made it worse.

Paul has been wonderful during this whole time. He's pointed out when I'm being crazy without making me feel guilty for being tired/anxious/sick/lethargic.

I'm hoping that when the baby is born that even if my life doesn't go back to normal, my body and feelings will. (I sometimes imagine I'll get postpartum depression and fear for my baby's life. This causes me to cry too.)


I Need to Post More

I told people I'd blog and that I'd eventually share my blog with them when I had enough entries, so maybe I should post more.

Resolutions for the New Year:

  • Try to stress less.
  • Try to hate my body less.
  • Get this baby out of my body on time.
  • Eat more fruits and veggies.
  • Try to be less mean to Paul.
  • Try to talk about myself less. (Great job with this entry!)
  • Try not to cry myself senseless if Clinton is not the Democratic candidate.
  • Try not to cry myself if somehow Huckabee wins everything.
  • Try to hate the suck ass customers less.
  • Remember the nice customers more.
  • Don't let my mom walk over my opinions on raising a child.

If I can do any of the above, I'll consider it a miracle.