Conversations With People

Me:  It's just...  I feel embarrassed when people tell me they've read Fifty Shades of Grey.
P:  Why?
Me:  I just don't think it should be a done thing to tell people you consume porn.  Also, if you're only going to read a book every year or two or three, that's the book you pick?!  Then I feel justified in my contempt for humanity.

***

My mom:  So, you're getting the minivan soon?
Me:  Pretty soon.  Yeah.
My mom:  Going to go with the leather seats, right?
Me:  What?  No!  That's thousands extra for a feature I don't care the least about.
My mom:  But, your seats are going to end up a mess!  With the leather, at least they'll clean easily.
Me:  That's not worth a few extra thousand dollars to me!
My mom:  Your life will just be better with leather seats!  Why can't you see that?!
Me:  Did you not hear me say a few thousand dollars?
My mom:  Why don't you ever listen to me?!

***

P:  Why do you always scream when you talk to your mom on the phone?
Me:  She's not very good with technology.
P:  What does that have to do with anything?
Me:  Well, she always screams at me over the phone because she thinks I can't hear her.
P:  But you don't have to scream back.
Me:  It seems rude to have her scream at me and not to scream back.  What if she thinks I'm not into the conversation?

***

Me:  Look, N, there is a deer on the side of the road!
N:  Where?!
Me:  Well, we passed it now.
N:  Why?!
My beloved sister-in-law:  It was just standing there and we had to keep driving.
N:  Don't hit it!
Me:  Well, I didn't, so we're safe.
N:  Don't hit it!
My beloved sister-in-law:  It's behind us and it didn't cross.
N:  It have to look left, then right, then left before crossing!
Me:  It wasn't crossing.  It was just standing there.
N:  Left, then right!
Me:  Maybe it could just fly across the road!
N:  Deer don't fly.
Me:  Reindeer do, don't they?  Don't Santa's reindeer fly?
N:  Moose don't fly.
Me:  Good thing that was a deer and not a moose.
N:  Where was it?
My beloved sister-in-law:  It's like having a conversation with a drunk, isn't it?
N:  I didn't see the moose!

***

Me:  Ugh.  Traffic.  I hate traffic.
N:  I hate traffic too!
Me:  We don't use the word hate.
N:  You hate traffic.
Me:  Maybe.  But we don't use that word.  Mommy is sorry she used that word.  Let's talk about the traffic more nicely.
N:  JESUS!  This traffic is bad.
Me:  I'm failing you, aren't I?

***

(Scene:  Jeopardy playing.  Category:  Authors with three names.)
Jeopardy:  This author died in 2008 and his most famous work is Infinite Jest.
Me:  David Wallace!
Jeopardy:  David Foster Wallace!
P:  Your answer doesn't count.
Me:  What?
P:  You needed all three names since that is the category.
Me:  But I knew who it was.
P:  But you needed all three names.
Me:  I know that and if I were actually on Jeopardy I would have clearly lost money, but I think we can still say that I knew the author in question.
P:  Still wouldn't have gotten it right on Jeopardy.