Me: I just don't think it should be a done thing to tell people you consume porn. Also, if you're only going to read a book every year or two or three, that's the book you pick?! Then I feel justified in my contempt for humanity.
My mom: So, you're getting the minivan soon?
Me: Pretty soon. Yeah.
My mom: Going to go with the leather seats, right?
Me: What? No! That's thousands extra for a feature I don't care the least about.
My mom: But, your seats are going to end up a mess! With the leather, at least they'll clean easily.
Me: That's not worth a few extra thousand dollars to me!
My mom: Your life will just be better with leather seats! Why can't you see that?!
Me: Did you not hear me say a few thousand dollars?
My mom: Why don't you ever listen to me?!
P: Why do you always scream when you talk to your mom on the phone?
Me: She's not very good with technology.
P: What does that have to do with anything?
Me: Well, she always screams at me over the phone because she thinks I can't hear her.
P: But you don't have to scream back.
Me: It seems rude to have her scream at me and not to scream back. What if she thinks I'm not into the conversation?
Me: Look, N, there is a deer on the side of the road!
Me: Well, we passed it now.
My beloved sister-in-law: It was just standing there and we had to keep driving.
N: Don't hit it!
Me: Well, I didn't, so we're safe.
N: Don't hit it!
My beloved sister-in-law: It's behind us and it didn't cross.
N: It have to look left, then right, then left before crossing!
Me: It wasn't crossing. It was just standing there.
N: Left, then right!
Me: Maybe it could just fly across the road!
N: Deer don't fly.
Me: Reindeer do, don't they? Don't Santa's reindeer fly?
N: Moose don't fly.
Me: Good thing that was a deer and not a moose.
N: Where was it?
My beloved sister-in-law: It's like having a conversation with a drunk, isn't it?
N: I didn't see the moose!
Me: Ugh. Traffic. I hate traffic.
N: I hate traffic too!
Me: We don't use the word hate.
N: You hate traffic.
Me: Maybe. But we don't use that word. Mommy is sorry she used that word. Let's talk about the traffic more nicely.
N: JESUS! This traffic is bad.
Me: I'm failing you, aren't I?
(Scene: Jeopardy playing. Category: Authors with three names.)
Jeopardy: This author died in 2008 and his most famous work is Infinite Jest.
Me: David Wallace!
Jeopardy: David Foster Wallace!
P: Your answer doesn't count.
P: You needed all three names since that is the category.
Me: But I knew who it was.
P: But you needed all three names.
Me: I know that and if I were actually on Jeopardy I would have clearly lost money, but I think we can still say that I knew the author in question.
P: Still wouldn't have gotten it right on Jeopardy.