20111121

Stupid Things I Do During Pregnancy

I find blogs all about miscarriage, or death, or injury, or pain, and I read them and I cry and I cry and I cry until I get sick and I throw up.

I get angry over stupid things like the fact that we have no salsa in our house when I need some for N's lunch or that I wanted to use the word mad instead of angry and it made me think of the number of times I have to correct myself daily about the correct word to use and how I fear that I'm ruining N's chances of going to a good college because I'm teaching him the incorrect meaning to words.

I blow my nose in the shower and I nearly faint at the amount of blood that comes out.  Ugh, pregnancy nose bleeds.

I make myself chocolate chip cookies at eleven at night and then get bitter that they cause me heartburn.

I refuse to talk to my doctor about my anxiety, insomnia, or general fear of giving birth or having a C-section.

I spend a great part of every day hating pregnancy and then worrying that I'm ruining this baby's life.

I wonder if people hate me because I hate pregnancy.

I crave the moment I have the baby in my arms, but fear the exhaustion that will come with it.

I'm nearing the third trimester (only one more week!), which was absolutely the hardest one last time.   In approximately three months, I'll be posting pictures of a newborn and telling you all about how I tried to punch someone at a hospital to get out of getting an IV.  (Okay, maybe, maybe not, but I wouldn't put it past me.)  I'll be gushing about a baby and thinking that the picture I have of N holding him or her will be the best thing ever.  I will be cradling N in my arms in a hospital bed to assure him that I love him so so much.  I will be thinking "At least that's over" when really it will be more like "Well, this is just beginning."

And now, so you can all be as sad as I am, go read Posie Gets Cozy's story of a failed adoption attempt.  It is beautiful writing that will make you weep.

7 comments:

Angie said...

Don't look at those blogs. I am so thankful for Marlon and my husband to finally digging into my head the idea of not looking at these mommy blogs.

If it makes you feel better, I got a nose bleed while seeing an apartment...great first impression huh?

It's just a few more months, and it all will be done...and then there won't be any sleep; but that's a different story.

You can do it!

Helen said...

I agree with Angie. No more sad baby blogs. More crafty blogs! Take this time to stockpile creative birthday party ideas for the next... 4 to 5 years. Then you can just open up your birthday dossiers when the time comes, and execute your master plan to perfection! :P

Angie said...

Ooh, that's a great idea Helen!
I should start doing that myself...instead of trying to get them to decorate cookies when they're barely learning to use the fork.
Crafty blogs rule!!

Helen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Helen said...

Here's something to make everyone cry, but in a happy way.

The Mom Book

(deleted post above was the same, but with the URL as plain text, not a link.)

Kitten said...

Angie, you got nose bleeds too, eh? My husband actually has a real problem with them every winter, so at least I have someone to commiserate with!

Also, have you ever seen my crazy decorated sugar cookies? I'm nuts for royal icing decorated cookies!

Helen, I'm kind of grateful that I don't plan parties too far in advance. I think if I did, you'd see some nutty damn parties for my children with ponies and clowns. :)

Angie said...

Oh, I had fun with those nosebleeds. Can't remember if I ever had them during Stitch & Bitch on Tuesdays (Marlon might remember...)

It was just sooo weird. I have never liked the smell of blood (it makes me gag), so it was a little hard for me to have to get used to it. Hopefully it will go away for you soon!

I had not seen your cookies...but man, now that I have (looked at a post from last winter) I NEED to bake tonight. Well, i kind of HAVE to bake. I also want to play with fondant decorations...ah, so many hobbies, so little time!