An Open Letter To My Firstborn

I wrote this letter a tiny bit prior to having N2.  I assure you all that I love N2 as I love N, and I would say as much, but that would indicate that I love them in the same way.  My love for them is most likely equal but it is different.

Dear N,

You are very clingy nowadays, but, to tell the truth, I don't mind so much since I'm sort of clinging to you too. We both can sense change coming and it is scaring the bejeezus out of us. When I first started this pregnancy and started my daily habit of napping with you for hours each day, it seemed like I had all the time in the world to spend solely with you. Often, as soon as you fell into your nap, I'd turn over to get comfortable so your knees would only hit me in the back instead of stomach.

Now, when we nap, I let you fall asleep and I stroke your cheek or face for twenty minutes or so before I also fall asleep. At the doctor today, when my blood pressure was elevating due to my fear of surgery, she asked me to think of something calming, and I pictured your face as you slept next to me. I think you might be the thing to get me through this surgery as I remind myself that you were the prize at the end of my first C-section. If N2 can be half as cute or loving as you, I will have it made.

Sometimes, sweetie, I'm afraid that I won't love N2 as much as I love you. It's funny. My mother-in-law mentioned this fear, and I dismissed it at first, but now I wonder. How can I love anyone like I love you? When I was growing up, my mom used to tell me that if anyone ever hurt me, she'd kill them. Full stop. I wondered why. Then, I had you and the second you were born, I understood what she was saying. My love for you felt like a force of nature. Can I possibly love my daughter this much?

I'm half worried I resent her, honestly. Will she take away from our time together? Will you love me less because I have her? I know the reality is that I'll most likely love her just as much as I love you, but it's scary, isn't it? This is why you hold me and tell me you miss me and love me nowadays and I hug you back and tell you that you are my angel.

I just want you to know that I love so much and even when I'm holding N2 at the hospital after the surgery, I'll be counting the moments until you can join me at the hospital too. When you were born, I couldn't wait to take pictures of you. Now that she is being born, I can't wait to take pictures of BOTH of you together. I wish I could tell you this all now so you understand, but I have to be satisfied with this letter.

Love, your mommy.

3 comments: said...

Gasp! Amazing.

Kitten said...

aww, thanks. i was really unsure about posting this and i still sort of am. i'm glad you read and enjoyed it.

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