baby stuff

As Kittle starts to become more a reality and less a drain on my energy levels, Paul and I have started considering what needs to be done to make life with Kittle happen. Things that need to be done include eight million things around the house include:

* Fixing our fireplace.
* Painting around both of our air conditioners.
* Moving my bedroom furniture over from my mom's and moving our furniture into the baby room.
* Getting our laundry area fixed up and then buying a washer/dryer.
* Decorating a child's room and getting a crib.

I admit to feeling mostly overwhelmed just looking at the list and sometimes crying when I think about it, but pregnancy has led me to many unwanted tears.

Sometimes, I cry imagining Paul has left me because I don't want a lot of children. Sometimes I cry because I'm imagining that I died during childbirth. Sometimes I cry because I imagine people are calling me a horrible person for not wanting to give up work. Sometimes I cry because I imagine I'll be laid up for a long time before/after birth and Helen will have to find someone to replace me. Sometimes I cry just because I'm getting 'fat'.

I admit to being a paranoid person in the first place. (I'll often have nightmare after nightmare of Paul leaving me while non-pregnant, or of being fired while on vacation.) Pregnancy has just made it worse.

Paul has been wonderful during this whole time. He's pointed out when I'm being crazy without making me feel guilty for being tired/anxious/sick/lethargic.

I'm hoping that when the baby is born that even if my life doesn't go back to normal, my body and feelings will. (I sometimes imagine I'll get postpartum depression and fear for my baby's life. This causes me to cry too.)