Conversations With People

Me:  It's just...  I feel embarrassed when people tell me they've read Fifty Shades of Grey.
P:  Why?
Me:  I just don't think it should be a done thing to tell people you consume porn.  Also, if you're only going to read a book every year or two or three, that's the book you pick?!  Then I feel justified in my contempt for humanity.

***

My mom:  So, you're getting the minivan soon?
Me:  Pretty soon.  Yeah.
My mom:  Going to go with the leather seats, right?
Me:  What?  No!  That's thousands extra for a feature I don't care the least about.
My mom:  But, your seats are going to end up a mess!  With the leather, at least they'll clean easily.
Me:  That's not worth a few extra thousand dollars to me!
My mom:  Your life will just be better with leather seats!  Why can't you see that?!
Me:  Did you not hear me say a few thousand dollars?
My mom:  Why don't you ever listen to me?!

***

P:  Why do you always scream when you talk to your mom on the phone?
Me:  She's not very good with technology.
P:  What does that have to do with anything?
Me:  Well, she always screams at me over the phone because she thinks I can't hear her.
P:  But you don't have to scream back.
Me:  It seems rude to have her scream at me and not to scream back.  What if she thinks I'm not into the conversation?

***

Me:  Look, N, there is a deer on the side of the road!
N:  Where?!
Me:  Well, we passed it now.
N:  Why?!
My beloved sister-in-law:  It was just standing there and we had to keep driving.
N:  Don't hit it!
Me:  Well, I didn't, so we're safe.
N:  Don't hit it!
My beloved sister-in-law:  It's behind us and it didn't cross.
N:  It have to look left, then right, then left before crossing!
Me:  It wasn't crossing.  It was just standing there.
N:  Left, then right!
Me:  Maybe it could just fly across the road!
N:  Deer don't fly.
Me:  Reindeer do, don't they?  Don't Santa's reindeer fly?
N:  Moose don't fly.
Me:  Good thing that was a deer and not a moose.
N:  Where was it?
My beloved sister-in-law:  It's like having a conversation with a drunk, isn't it?
N:  I didn't see the moose!

***

Me:  Ugh.  Traffic.  I hate traffic.
N:  I hate traffic too!
Me:  We don't use the word hate.
N:  You hate traffic.
Me:  Maybe.  But we don't use that word.  Mommy is sorry she used that word.  Let's talk about the traffic more nicely.
N:  JESUS!  This traffic is bad.
Me:  I'm failing you, aren't I?

***

(Scene:  Jeopardy playing.  Category:  Authors with three names.)
Jeopardy:  This author died in 2008 and his most famous work is Infinite Jest.
Me:  David Wallace!
Jeopardy:  David Foster Wallace!
P:  Your answer doesn't count.
Me:  What?
P:  You needed all three names since that is the category.
Me:  But I knew who it was.
P:  But you needed all three names.
Me:  I know that and if I were actually on Jeopardy I would have clearly lost money, but I think we can still say that I knew the author in question.
P:  Still wouldn't have gotten it right on Jeopardy.

The Life Of A Blogging Mom

Sometimes, when I read mommy blogs, I get dejected.  The bloggers don't mean to make me feel that way.  Their posts are not full of judgment.  They seem sweet and kind and capable.  But, I feel dejected.  Why?  Well, here is a fake sample daily schedule for the mommy bloggers I read.

3.30 AM:  Woke up.  Got on running shoes.  Made kale and strawberry and banana smoothie.  Used the strawberries from our most recent strawberry picking trip.  (Or, alternatively, if this is a more rural blog, used the strawberries from our garden.)

3:45 AM:  Ran six miles.

4:50 AM:  After quick shower, sat down at computer to write about 3,000 words of the novel/cookbook/sewing book/DIY book I'm working on.

5:50 AM:  Start breakfast for children and husband.  The food is from the organic market that pops up every Saturday.  It is full of whole grains and fresh fruit.  (Or, if more rural, making omelet from eggs I picked up from my hens this morning.)

6:15 AM:  Everyone is awake and eating together.  We discuss how we hope our day will go.

7:00 AM:  Husband is off to work and I spend the morning with my children, home-schooling them and involved in active play with them.  We work on our science projects we have going and learn about the planets by building a scale model of the solar system!  So much fun.  After that, we spend time building pillow forts and pretending to be dragons and knights.  I pull out all the costumes I hand-sewed!

10:00 AM:  Time to start making lunch.  I make sure all the children are aproned and we all work together to make bread for lunch and to make some refrigerator jam with the strawberries that are too ripe!  I let them make a mess of the kitchen and I am so happy!

12:00 PM:  We all sit down to lunch on a picnic blanket on the grass outside and while I knit a sweater for my children, they play peacefully and happily with each other.

1:00 PM:  More homeschooling!  We're working on reading and then we go to the local park to do more studying on nature.

2:30 PM:  Time to cart my children around to activities.  They make me so tired, but I know my children love them and want to participate in them.

5:00 PM:  Back home to make dinner.  I use one of my pinterest links, but sub out anything that seems unhealthy.  Everything tastes good and fresh now that it is summer.

6:00 PM:  Dinner outside again and everyone is terrific.  We discuss our day and play dinner games.

7:00 PM:  All the children quietly do homework and read or play outside within eyesight while my husband and I lovingly discuss our life and our plans for the future as we hold hands and watch the younger children.

8:00 PM:  Everyone is in bed besides me and my husband.  I start to blog!  Time to process photos and post.

9:30 PM:  Time to bake a cake for the special birthday tomorrow and maybe sew up some special clothing for my children.

11:00 PM:   Bed time!

These people writing these blogs are so genuinely good and involved with their childrens' lives that it makes me sad.  Here is a sample daily schedule for me:

7:30 AM:  N2 and I are sleeping/nursing and trying to squeeze another few moments of shut eye in.  Suddenly, a nude N is laying on the bed next to me kicking the headboard and asking me to put his pajamas back on him.  I groggily ask where his pajamas are and he throws them on me.  With one arm, so as not to wake N2, I try to finagle them on him and fail.  I ask him to bring me a shirt so I can put that on instead.  He cries/screams loudly about wanting to wear pajamas and this wakes up N2 who weeps about the end of her morning nursing.  She decides now is the ideal time to have a bowel movement that ends up ruining her onesie and sleeper.

8:00 AM:  Everyone is dressed and clean, including me.  I look inside the fridge to get N a yogurt and realize I forgot to buy yogurt.  Captain Crunch it is.  Again.  He eats it and asks for chocolate milk.  I turn on some Go, Diego, Go, so he'll finish it off quietly.

8:25 AM:  Go, Diego, Go is over and N is asking what we plan to be doing.  I tell him I need to think about it and I check the weather reports and meetups planned.  After some time, I decide it is a zoo day.  We just have to get everything prepped.  Time to feed N2 again.  Wait, she needs to get changed again.  Throw a load of laundry in and discover I never folded the clothes in the dryer.  Do so.  Pack diaper bag.  Make lunch and pack that.  Oh, the cat is throwing up.  Clean that up.  Change N again because he wants to wear his soccer jersey and is following me around crying about it.

9:30 AM:  N2 is down for her first nap.  Desperate for sleep, I throw on another Go, Diego, and take a swift 25 minute nap.  Best 25 minutes of my life.

10:30 AM:  Starting out the door.  Really need coffee.  Plan trip to Starbucks.

10:45 AM:  Finally have N buckled in, the car packed, and N2 in her carseat.  Wailing.  I think she might be hungry again.

11:15 AM:  At Starbucks, N begs for a juice box.  I give in and get him that and the shortbread cookies.  I get a venti coffee drink and try to drink it as quickly as possible.  Getting N and N2 into and out of the car is a large portion of my day.  I threaten to leave N at the Starbucks if he doesn't start hurrying along.  He ignores me until I start walking out the door which is when he starts to wail.  I pretend I have no idea who he is even though he's screaming mommy right at me.

12:00 PM:  Get to the zoo.  It is packed.  Put N2 in the baby bjorn so she can take a second nap of the day.  We walk and walk and walk and talk and talk and talk and feed N2 again.  I answer questions about trucks approximately fifteen hundred times.  All I can think about is my aching back and bulldozers.

3:00 PM:  After giant fight to get N into the car, we manage to get heading home.  N2 decides she is starving and screams through all the suburb heading traffic home.  N asks why she's crying every five minutes and spends the rest of the time discussing either soccer, animals, or trucks.

3:50 PM:  Pull into driveway.  I rush into house to feed N2.  She falls asleep immediately, tired from crying too much.  I put N into pajamas for a short nap.

4:15 PM:  Clearly N is not meant to nap today.  I keep at it.  I need that nap!

4:25 PM:  N is sleeping!  YES!

4:30 PM:  N2 wakes up.  NO!  Oh well, quality time with my daughter, right?

6:00 PM:  She falls asleep after a lot of peekaboo, cuddling, and iPhone checking.  I nap with her on the couch.

6:20 PM:  P walks in and is convinced that all I do all day is nap with children.

How Sick Is Kitten?!

Today was hideous.  I mostly slept, but occasionally I would wake to hallucinate or eat.  I'll admit it was an unusual sick day in that I was starving whenever I awoke, but I was still pretty damned sick.  If you are slightly worried about my hallucinations, I'd advise you not to be too worried.  I simply start to see things out of the corners of my eyes.  It normally happens when I take liquid cold medicine and I'm extremely sick.  Everything about the day begins to take on a hazy quality where in I'm unsure if anything I'm doing or seeing is real.  It made for a fun drive to my mom's house (where she watched my children and let me continue my sleep healing).  I basically dug my nails into my arms and asked N to keep up a constant stream of chatter while I sucked down a large coffee.  Occasionally, I'd ask if something I was seeing was real.  "N, there is a car turned around on the Turnpike in front of me.  Do you see it too?"  "Yes, mommy, and cops coming!"  "Good, good.  Do you see the other car driving backwards on the other side of the road?"  "Yes, why it do that?"  "No clue." 

I did realize how sick I was last night when I awoke today to find that my sink was full of dirty dishes.  Here is the scale of how sick I am using my household cleaning status at nightfall:

Bed is unmade, both hampers are full, toys are all around, sink is full of dirty dishes (and dishwasher is still not full) -- Kitten is probably in the hospital.  If not, she should be.

Bed is made, but hampers are full.  Toys are out in living room and children's bedroom.  Sink is partially filled with dishes, but dishwasher is full --  Kitten is really sick.  Get her some sleep and some medicine.

Bed is made, hampers are partially filled.  Toys are out in children's bedroom.  Sink has one or two big pans in it and dishwasher is full -- Kitten is probably just tired, but she might have a mild cold.  Also, this happens during early or late pregnancy.

Bed is made, hampers have a few items in them, toys are away, sink is clean -- Kitten is plotting how to get kitchen table clean, worrying about the state of the kitchen floor and the bathroom sink, and is fully healthy.

Do any of you hallucinate when sick?  Also if anyone has seen an episode of a live action show about Alice In Wonderland that was about cough drops -- it would have aired in the early morning of the mid nineties, you'd be doing me a favor if you told me so.  I'm still trying to determine if I hallucinated that or not.

Weekly Roundup

• Had mastitis over the weekend, on the date of N's fourth birthday party.  It was terrific.  First I woke up with chills so bad that I went outside and laid on my mom's driveway like a lizard warming myself.  Then, I took another nap and woke up so feverish my mom looked slightly horrified.  Basically forced N2 to nurse off the affected breast every three seconds and emptied it in the shower twice a day.  Still like nursing, but that was not good.
• Someone asked me over this weekend if I had read Fifty Shades of Grey.  Reacted like they had asked if I was a serial killer.  Perhaps I would have reacted less violently if they had actually asked me if I was a serial killer.  Think my exact words were, "Do I look like I read Twilight bondage fanfic?  Is that what you think of me?"  I'd like you all to note that I said that and I do read fanfic, though not bondage fanfic.  Can't wait to see which search results get to my page now!
• N got a Batmobile, Mjölnir, Captain America's shield, and the Millennium Falcon for his birthday.  I feel like if he gets more geeky before the age of five, we should all be worried.
• N's godparents (and our good friends) came to visit us.  It was fantastic.  Our children played, we chatted and ate, and people were merry.
• My next door neighbor and N's beloved faux grandfather got word that he has cancer.  He smoked over sixteen years ago and just developed this cancer.  With that and my step-father's lung cancer which developed ten years after quitting, I plan on reiterating "no smoking" to my children every month for the rest of their lives.  
• A friend said cleaning her kitchen made her feel like Sisyphus.  At least that bastard's loved ones were not the ones pushing the rock back down the hill.

So, saying all this -- what's up with my readers?  I miss talking to you all!

The Accidental Cosleeper

You know how before you have a baby you make all these rash statements?  "I will not let my children watch more than half an hour of television!"  "I will feed my children organic food!"  "My child will play with wooden, and not plastic noisy toys!"  Then, it comes down to the crunch, and you're sitting at the Burger King playcenter while your child watches the television there, holding the cheap whale toy that he just got from his happy meal because you needed a half hour of downtime.  You know how that happens, right?

Well, I never swore off television or crappy food, but I did swear I would never cosleep.  It was too dangerous!  I live in fear of SIDS.  With N, around month four I buckled like a belt and started to cosleep with him during naps when I realized it extended his twenty or thirty minute nap to three hours and I desperately needed sleep.  To be fair, half my fear of cosleeping comes from the fact that P is a champion of sleep.  The man has nearly crushed ME during his sleeping.  The cats won't sleep on his side of the bed normally.  So, with the naps, N and I napped alone and since neither of us moved and I'd wake up the second he'd fuss (so that I could soothe him right back into that nap), it still felt safe.

Well, nowadays, not so much.  N2 has forced me to cave.  Even in the hospital, she refused to sleep in their little bassinet, only happy in my arms.  Worse, since we have N, we couldn't adapt our sleep schedule to hers in the first month.  Since I was breastfeeding, I just stayed up with her.  Then, one magic super sleepy moment, I noticed that she slept if I held her in my arms in bed.  She slept for three hours.  Sometimes, crazily, she slept four hours!  Four hours of sleep to a sleep-deprived lady was like crack.  I'd try and try to put her in the bassinet and when she whimpered out of control, I'd pick her up, and into bed she'd come, sleepy and happy. 

It turns out that cosleeping is actually good for me too.  I normally spend some time (a lot of time) worrying and planning and fretting at night instead of sleeping.  I can't relax at all.  But, put a baby in my arms, and I stare intensely at my darling's face.  As my children's hands relax indicating that they've fallen asleep, my whole body relaxes.  I can't bother to fret or worry while holding my babies close.  I'm too busy thinking about how much I love them.

So, I'm cosleeping once again with a baby, a bit more this time.  N2 spends a great deal of time in the early morning hours in our bed.  If she wakes after five in the morning, she gets a fast trip to the middle of our bed with my arms curled protectively around her.  If she can't sleep in the middle of the night?  More cosleeping.  During afternoon naps, she sometimes gets to sleep between the occasionally flailing N and me.  There I have to do a bit more proactive protecting by making sure that he isn't too close to her.  Like his father, he is not gentle when he turns over in his sleep.

I'd hate to say this, but I find cosleeping rather lovely now.  I'm not saying I'm going to go all Dr. Sears on you and keep my children in my bed until they naturally want to move to their own beds, but I do think my next bedroom, if I get it in the next few years, will have a king sized bed so that we have room for little ones to nap with us whenever they like.